'Let's go watch movie. Let's go eat buffet. Let's go that new place. Where do you want to celebrate your graduation? Hey now FYP is over, shall we celebrate?' 

Enough. 
Fucking no mood.
Just.leave.me.alone 

Want go, ownself go. 

Let's just....... MIA. hahahha 

2 incidents.... mummy... ahma... that make me dig deeper into my world, a place where I isolate everyone and adopt a much stronger heck care attitude to life. 
Not saying the deaths of my ahgong, ahgu all dont affect me, but not as much maybe cos I'm younger then. 

Life is just... so fragile.

I know I shouldnt feel this way but it just makes me question myself. Why for I want to continue in research then? Why for? People die in the end. The strong drive to pursue my goal.... its fading away. 

The interest, passion. It's all still there. 
But I'm really tired. confused. lost. 
Should I carry on? What is life all about? What is life? What am I living for? What's my purpose? What do I want to achieve? Why? For who? For what? For why? 

Am I a coward? 
To choose to live in denial? To choose to escape from all these sadness and not accept reality?
Or others are just putting up a strong front? Am I too sensitive and emotional? Why can't I just choose to live optimistically? What's wrong with me? 

Maybe I'm just a fucking coward. 

RIP my dear ahma. :'((((((((((

Haha okay I shall do this short and sweet
Sum up(s) of my 2012 - 

- Hadn't been blogging much
- Beloved mushroom ham and yuanz passed away :'(
- Fret and worried so much over internship because badly wanted research assistant
- Didnt get through, but got into awesome chiropractic first
- People at CF were awesome - my interns, DrMike, Nura and many more friends, patients and doc there :)
- Got a good grade for internship ^^ 
- Gained a golden opportunity to do FYP in ASTAR
- Can die w/o regrets now :) Received appreciations and liking by researchers, PI in work, attitude, personality
- Got published in article/ science paper
- Keep having suicidal thoughts during FYP period. Trust me. Not because of stress/ environment. But because it's something striked off my wishlist. Don't mind dying anyway. 
- Maybe securing a future job in ASTAR ^^ 
- Didnt have the motivation back in school for WEEKS
- Finally working hard and fucked stressed over FYP
- Be closer friends/ friends again with you and you 
- Attended weeqi's wedding and nura's wedding. Both of my first for a malay wedding and my batch's wedding. 
- Money issues 
- Again having sick period/ cramps around these season. Last year was flu bug during xmas
- Anaemic and complete blacked out after sooooooo long 
- Joined instagram 
- Had back bangs as fringe 
- Still feeling lonely and missing mummy ALOT ALOT and keep crying now and then
- Havent been going out much and meet up with fellow friends. 
- Burying myself in books (as usual) 
- Closer bonds with daddy
- Auntie came and move over to live in house. Thou initial period really cause me alot of upsetness and feeling of being a stranger in my own house. 
- More mature? / More heck care attitude to life. Maybe the latter. Fucking heck the so call 21/12/2012. Really dont mind dying to join mummy asap.  

That's all, 
2013.... new year. Yeah just a okay feeling cause I don't know, deep down I just cant feel happy.
No matter how happy I am outside but whenever I come home/ be myself... I don't know how to put what Im feeling into words. Loneliness? Sadness? Cry until it become a habit? When can I wake up from this nightmare? Not anytime soon. 
Why is everyone living a life of pretence? 

X, 

Hey 

Currently waiting for esther faci to finalise my fyp report, (FINALLY!!!!!)
Studying/ revision (but still on slacking speed LOL), 
Attempting to faster draft out a FYP poster by today/ tmr

In a few more months and gonna graduate
ZOMG
Surfed the net and gonna try NTU first, followed by psbacademy 
Which enrolment for psb is 2014..... so work first ba (: 
RP gonna have prom night/ graduation night anyway!! I WANT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since missed sec school prom night, I regret it so much cos it seemed fun and an event that not always come by esp now that im gonna enter work life...... soon :( 

I WANT TO DIE DIE WEAR HEELS/WEDGES ON GRAD NIGHT. WAHAHHA LET THE GIANT APPEAR. 

Side note, dont know how to plan my 21st birthday cele and who to invite..... huhuhuhu 

God Please Bless ah ma for being able to survive this obstacle...
50-50 condition. Heard from dad that she cried because it's very painful for her, what's happening inside her body 
Hais. 

That's all for now. 

X, 

Hey. 
I'm the worst type of individual around. 

2 weeks holiday and I'm cramping it up with revisions and fucking FYP. Not enjoying myself at all. 
But I don't have the mood. 
So what if xmas? So what if it's a new year?
I don't have the money anyway. 

Still feeling very lonely haha. 
Isolating myself from friends and family as well. 
That empty feeling. It'll be there forever. 


K bye. 

Hey

Nothing new, stress fuck and studying for last ut1 :)

I got a square face, wrinkles formation and retarded disulfide bonds in the keratin structure of my hair.

X,