DDVV and LM say can see my passion through my eyes, the way I am focused in my work and the seriousness :)
I know lah picture canot see my eyes but I just self-trim ytd and I look so nerd now!!

Now I needa focus on my speed. And my pipetting skills especially for small volumes for qPCR!! OD value OK but concentration too lil liao la!!
Im so dumb leh 0.9+0.1+1 i can say is 1.1ul. :(:(:(

DDVV going hols for 2 weeks next week onwards so I gonna be on my own, abit afraid but I think I can do it:)
Hope to produce good result so that whe DDVV comes back at least he can be proud of me as a student at least. hmmm:)

X

Hey all

FYP, coping better and it's gonna be 1 mnth alr since I'd started
There are e worst moments I really feel so useless and broke down so much I talked to myself time to time,
Self encouragement, self reprimanding of being fucking stupid, toilets are always my hiding spot.

And thanks to all who showed concerns.
I know it's hard/impossible for anyone to understand my situation. And I'm not gonna rely. Cos I have to stand on my two legs and fight for this, not gonna disappoint DDVV.
I need to constantly improve. And I will.

The happy moments are indeed much too :)
Enjoying myself with the companion of other researchers, learning coolest stuff and I think even can have chance to perform dissection :'))
I think I will be included in the publications too. I darent scream/be happy about it cos I really feel inferior- like I did nothing and do not deserve this.

I'm stll fucking stressed anyway.
Hiding in my own world but I just want to concentrate on FYP so much right now.

And yeah turned the big 2,
Basically just a normal stressed FYP day as usual but I dontmind oos honestly, ever since mum's gone the celebration mood.. basically anything that contain mum, I will not want to bring it up/ carry it out again.
I know I may sound really emo and still like HUH so long already but im still missing mummy. And I forever will.
Felt lonely and lonely and thanks alot sofia for knowing and coming down to accompany me.
 

Home, sigh.

I feel like a stranger in my house.

Hey

Mood had been better this week prolly cos excel finally got accepted, PI and DDVV pleased with it, but I darent take credit cos I only compile and did the sums accordingly with formulas given.

So when DDVV was like saying good job and im like... I dontknow how to respond. Hahaha I know I will look so dumb.
The figures will go to the main publications anyway nd Im so glad to be of help:). And maybe might grant another happy news which I wont announce as of yet.

Then, had the start of practicals.
SO SO SO HAPPY! I LOVE PRACTICALS!!!
Did immunohistochemistry staining, was fun and results was not that good but mainly is cos of the tissue used. Fluroresence ddvv say not bad thou ^^
And he say my practical skills not bad, wanting to stop his work and observe me:). So the only thing I must continously improve is MY MATHS. OMG. and of cos also on my practical skills to get even better!

Got to observe dissection of mice (MAD COOL ND ONE OF MY CHECKLIST TO BE STRIKED OFF), mice being treated with Ab, and monday Im gonna peform spleen extraction followed by flow cytometry!!! (if im not wrong :D)
SUPER MAD EXCITED CAN!!!!!

But then,
Today jsie emo nemo again. Cos jsie felt useless.
Thou today very slack lah. Jsie needed to prepare buffer but dontknow how. Researchers very good they help me, but jsie stupid stupid go choose tris HCL instead of tris base.
Turned out wrong pH.
Like so easy task also will get wrong. Can smack head die leh.

Today also observed cell splitting and cell counting, tmr gonna perform:)
So hope that everytig goes fine if not my cells die i also die lah!!

I think that's all for now,
Went back rcm on thur last week and had a small chat with DrMike and co, not really having full time to chat thou cos by the time clinic end everyone was tired alr.
Will def go back one day but not so soon,

Xoxo

Hey

Inferiority complex is hitting me really really badly.
I know, everyone starts from scratch and slowly proceed up through experiences, knowledge and mistakes made.

But whenever I complete something/ attempt to do someting,
Im really afraid :(
Of being reprimanded of not doing something according it should be. When sometimes its jus so straight forward:(

I'm not afraid to ask questions, but to have confidence in your work and present, only to come back with feeling of stupidity and wasted efforts. For not the first time.
And its all only me. I swear ddvv is very good to me. 

I can frown and cry anytime now thinking bt it
>:( :'(

Why am I so stupid :(

Hey all

So yeah, FYP started, what I can say is stress, stress and more stress :(

First day already theres 100001 theories that are foreign to me and it keeps pilling up every new day
I got all sleepy and dozed off in seminars cos of all the bombstic details whereby i only understand the introduction, and on some days u can just forget bout having lunch breaks.
The day starts early and end late everyday. Go home still got task to do.

And worst is cos my maths sucks despite doing the excel data, I must re-do for 2 days and its totally a waste of effort and time cos I stayed up to complete.
It really hit me badly and I broke down.
I really felt very useless and helpless asking and asking and dk what went wrong.
:(((

When in doubt, ask. You learnt when you realised your mistake.
But I dontwant to rely. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to understand on my own, where I go wrong. ANd that's a crucial factor in research, cos no one knows since its not knowledge and something we can learnt abt it yet.
I dontwant t be spoonfeed.  I want to assist and not bring more trouble to ddvv.
:( sigh I failed. Major failed.
And I cannot help much also when what's assigned is so minimal as compared to others. :(

I know I cannot give up and I wont,
In the beginning there are ought to have hurdles to jump over, and hopefully after grasping the concept and learning from mistakes it will promise smoother wks to complete.

Okay bye now gonna read up, complete excel!
Xoxo