Hey all

Small update about jsie boring life.

Home, or rather HOSTEL.
Fuck that bitch, yesterday was in masterbed room awake talking to whoever on the phone and can be so DEAF to not hear my knocking on the door for up to 5 times.
And I believe it's loud enough to hear cos it's driving me mad obviousy I will knock louder right.
Cb lock the door and I cannot take my jacket in the room. Pu bor you deaf or you flirting on the phone?
What's your fucking motive?

Cb help me do laundry. Thanks but no thanks hang them dry also dontknow how to flip to correct orientation, handwash pieces also put to washing machine.
Cb dont come interfere in my life can anot. Thanks for helping but you are just ruining my clothes can. Fuck

Cb cook dnner thanks la but really no appetite to eat your food man.
Talk to you need repeat up to 3 times cos it dont fucking go in your brain. And I no need you to control me. You are NOBODY.

Fucked pissed.


FYP
1 more week to complete my figues just gonna do my best.

CF
Hais heard a sad news that DrMike is gonna back to newzealand to set up his own clinic in traction around mid oct
Happy for him but I'm gonna miss him like *&#^&*@*@*^@*
Cos it also highly means it's permanent since it's a must to maintain the counts unless there's extra manpower. Or holiday breaks.
Cries very very much,  :((
Gonna spam going back to CF. Hais


Thats all
X


I'm all smiley 98% of the time doesnt mean Im easy to please.

When I feel that I can open up to you everytime
You prove me wrong.

You make me hide deeper into myself, keeping more feelings within myself.
I can't find anyone I can open up to. To be true about my feelings to. To share my problems with, to discuss my difficulties, to basically lend me a listening ear while I listen to yours. 
Forever living a life of pretence. 

I'm giving up on you.
And you'll just be another one I will put on a mask of pretence whenever I'm around you. 
Once I feel that you ask me based on the purpose of asking and not of concern, the end. Game is over. 

It's too bad it's too sad.
I'd lost the trust. 

Really.fucking.no.one.I.can.open.myself.up.to . 
Partially also cos my field of studies play a part. 

K bye. 

Hey all 

Fucking stressed out now starting on report 
Dont know the format, the tone (seriousness), and worrying much about the presentation also. 

I know DDVV will help and guide me along but jsie always want to try and attempt first before asking and relying 

2 weeks, to complete 
- Histology stain (Finalized)
- redo exp on qpcr cells 
- PAS 
- qPCR data (PLEASE GIMME NICE GRAPH & DATA I CAN CRY)
- most of the figures

Chiong chiong chiongggggg. 

My brain is so hollow when you knock on it, you hear an echo.
I'm so fucking stupid sighhhh.
Read up on pathway for weeks and turned out what I know is only the surface of everything. It's really an impact to me. 
Thrown with a question that I learnt before and my mind went fucking blank. Am I even worth the grades I had? 
I believe I score because of understanding and not solely on memorising. But yet now I cant even remember/ answer the questions at all. Cb 

Wanna break down so much. 

I can't help but feel very depressed. 
I use rewards and punishments on myself. And it always dealing with food. 



So.fucking.depressedwastedemolowselfconfidenceesteemunhappystressedmoodlessgaveuponselfmanytingstodoneverendingbutgonnacontinuestriving cb cb cb cb cb 

Hey all

Thanks for all the concern friends has always showered on me, asking me am I okay and what's bothering me.

To sum up, I feel empty. 
I know I had repeated this like 123713672638 times.
A place I can't call home because my existence is almost zero 
I can't help but compare the changes now and then 
I'm trying not to be bias but I really want to stay out as much as I can. 
And now I think Im back to my shell. To swallow all problems and face it alone. Shant share much to anyone.
Maybe except to DDVV. Feels like he's the one I can open up to for now.

Work, same story pilling up but forever running. Completing one by one and should buck up. 

I won't try to attempt to be happy. Or love myself again. Or care about how others think about me.
I feel I'm wasting my life. Thou one part its contradicting cos Im doing much in improving my future now.
I really hate myself. Really accumulating low self esteem.

I hate how things are now. And how I feel about myself.
But I don't feel like caring about it.

Ever heard before : Give up? I gave up on myself. 


Breakdown.



 

Hey all

Think tonight shall stay up to complete my work
One of the cons of being a perfectionist is seeking the best, and continously researching on a particular question so the time to complete a task is more.
And there's plenty of tasks to complete.
And it's always the task done I'd think it's acceptable but there's always flaws. Not saying I can't accept them but sometimes it just affect my self confidence level.Bahhh

Had been staying up till 2.30am everyday and waking up at 6am.
My health is bound to suffer. Not as of now, yet. But soon, and that's not good.
Plus to me drinking helps to relieve stress. So, imagine yah.

Sidenote,
I think I know where to head for my future.
I think I am still going to further my studies.
After working so hard, I don' want to stop at diploma level.
Bound to have more crazy nights and lots of struggling but I'll do my best.

X,

Kim Kibum (Key), SHINee, Korea

Lee Joon, MBLAQ, Korea

Elvin Ng Jun Xiong, Mediacorp Artist, Singapore

Ryan Higa (Nigahiga), Youtube celebrity, United States

Joey Diamond, Youtube artist, United States

X,

Hey all

Really overjoyed on last thursday cos received messages of appreciation from DDVV, which to me is a very unexpected thing because I look down on myself soooo much. (You all should know already from my past post. )

I cried. I really felt super touched. I felt that my efforts these past 2 months are actually not put to waste.
And yes one of my results is approved too. Acceptable.
All the way from cell culturing to RNA isolation to converting to cDNA and qpcr. 
Though there are coaching here and there, really glad no need to repeat it anymore cos previous had already repeated around 4 times .  
And you know the feeling, disappointment after disappointment.

But jsiekoh sucks too much, really a let down
Twice she overwrite her data she'd done previously with so much hardwork, overnight slogging, and she has to repeat them now.
Really feeling damn screwed.
On friday, she overslept til 130pm when she needs to report at 830am. Really wnna hide under the rocks.
And hurt when researchers (not DDVV) said that I was giving such a good excuse

Pant pant pant so much work to do.
Emotionally I'm also very tired. Major major major low self esteem. Major. Really felt like a maximum letdown to everybody and myself.
Jiayou is all I can say. Continue moving forward.

X,
So hurt,so so hurt.